Who Doesn’t Like the Truth?
It has taken me a long time (and hours of therapy) to realize that many of my relationships (both personally and professionally) involved sociopaths. These relationships started out on a foundation of lies and once those lies were exposed, I could no longer respect the relationship and it would fail. I kept seeing the same problem resurface, and I was the constant factor. Clearly, I also needed to take accountability for these relationships in my life and figure out how to eliminate them in the future. It’s only taken me 42 years, but I think I’ve finally figured it out.
Here is the quick version: (still grab a snack) I was dating the same guy for seven years (engaged for the last two). Found out he was cheating, via his pager he accidently left at my house. He was in medical school. I tried to reach him but the pager kept going off 911, so I returned the call to find his ‘girlfriend,’ on the phone. And she found his fiancée (me) on the other end. Apparently when he was doing his med school ‘rotations,’ he also thought that meant rotating vaginas as well. I ended it an never looked back or regretted my decision to not allow that person in my life again. Although he’s tried several times, I have no desire to have any kind of relationship or friendship where there is not trust. I was disappointed that I felt like I’d done everything ‘right,’ in that relationship. I was Catholic, we didn’t live together, we waited until he was almost out of school to talk marriage, I never cheated. In hindsight (10 plus years later) I realize those were manipulations. I was Catholic, but we were having sex, and I would have lived with him had he agreed to it, I would have been married sooner, had he agreed to it.
After that ended, ego wounded, I quickly (within 3 months of ending a 7 year relationship) met a superficially charming person, who told me what I wanted to hear. Initially building me up, saying things like, ‘I’ve never met anyone like you. You are so different than my ex wives’ (yes that plural), only later to be torn down and mentally abused with charming statements like, ‘You’re cute enough to get a hot guy to fuck you for a night but not have a relationship with you.’ No matter how many people tell you it’s not true, and even though you know it yourself, it created self –doubt and hopelessness. Funny, my strength and intelligence is what he initially found attractive in me only to systematically try to take that from me. This cycle sadly went on for four years and hurt a lot of innocent people along the way. We married and divorced (obviously there’s a lot more to it, but he really doesn’t deserve even this mention). Seriously, when there’s an exit sign in your wedding picture, I think that’s called foreshadowing. He had his youngest (at the time) child call and leave me a voice mail during the divorce process which said, “Mommy, Daddy says that you don’t love us anymore.” I will never be able to forgive a man who used his child as a pawn in a game. I loved his kids and it truly was the only reason I married him. He was the one who insisted his children (the two younger from the first wife) call Mom (again, another manipulation).
I wanted the kids to call me whatever they were comfortable with and wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Divorce is ugly otherwise it’s just called a miserable marriage. His sister, who I believe had a psychology degree prior to her law degree once called him a sociopath and was the first time I really became acquainted with the word.
And once our divorce ended, I could not get him to go away for good. The more research I did on sociopaths, the one thing became glaringly obvious: the enemy to a sociopath is the truth. Phew-truth, I could handle, and I’ve been told at times, too truthful (whatever that means-kidding). He would call every time he was in town, text me that he Googled me and saw me at some charity event. For many reasons, but his being one, I removed myself from social media.
When you have the playbook of a sociopath, you can beat a sociopath, is what I learned in therapy. And this was the first relationship I applied my new found knowledge. Whether he is or not remains for a health professional to evaluate. I told my health professional situations and she provided me with tools. I had had enough and did not want to get anymore random texts, emails or calls. So I did what I knew would stop it all from happening again, or until he got divorced again. I exposed the truth to his wife. Not in a hurtful way, but asking for her help to get the situation to stop. I sent this in 2012. Mean? No. Necessary? Hell yes, and it worked. Truth is the enemy. Not a peep out of him for almost two years. I also knew that since I’ve come out of my self-imposed social coma, and started blogging, that he would once again start stalking (like clock-work) and if I didn’t put a stop to it now, he would at one point become brazen and try and call me again (it’s not ok, ever.) Fact based evidence over time is the best indicator of future events. So tonight, I noticed 26 page loads on my website to one account in one day. I’m not that interesting that someone would want to binge read my entire blog in one sitting. Fuck-I wouldn’t even want to do it. In fact, it might be a hit in Gitmo (read aloud as a story like they play certain music to torture inmates). I didn’t even need to see where the IP address was located, to know who it was; but, it is the city and state where my ex lives. I re-activated my old Facebook account (for one more email). This may seem mean, aggressive an unnecessary but when you’re dealing with people who have shown you who they are, don’t ignore the playbook they hand to you. Stay 10 steps ahead to keep yourself happy and healthy. And, if he convinces her that it’s not his address (as he’s likely to do) they’ll have a good laugh at another one of his exs. A little birdie told me though, she won’t have much to laugh about (I’m not great on computers but…). And if my tale of bad choices and learning how to apply knowledge helps even one person understand a playbook of someone in their life, then that’s all anyone could ask for, well that and a Netflix binge of House of Cards (t minus 2)!
Thanks for reading! And Happy Valentine’s Day!
Sometimes it’s just about loving that you’re not with someone anymore.