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Public Assault vs. Girls who can’t High Five

Public Assault vs. Girls who can’t High Five

Judge Final

UPDATED: January 11, 2015 Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are #Sisters, in theaters Christmas 2015

April 12, 2014

One drunk girl is obnoxious and a group of drunk girls is like watching babies who just discovered for the first time their arms move and if they scream loudly it will bring all sorts of attention.  Many years ago my friend Dana was in from out of town which meant we’d get the girl band back together and descend on the Scottsdale bars like locusts.  Well, locusts who were really tan with fake boobs.

We came up with during one of Vegas trips the brilliant (at the time) idea of referring to this group of normally educated and successful women as the girl band.   Infinite stupor spawns the solution to all the world’s problems and gems like the idea of renting a Prevost to have the girl band tour the country hitting up bars (this was pre-reality show craze).  Then reality (daylight and a hangover) set in that drinking isn’t really a skill set anyone would come out to see and none of us had any musical ability whatsoever.


So the dream died, somehow we found something in Vegas to do to distract us (it was a challenge but we managed), and we got a name that stuck. I cannot be certain on this next part (it’s a little fuzzy-weird, right?  Fuzzy and Vegas), but I think this may have been the trip where our one band member got separated and was meeting us back at the hotel to regroup.

She was calling me on my phone and screaming that she was banging on the door and for me to answer.  I didn’t hear anything and opened the door to (wait for it) more drunk girls in the hallway, but not our drunk girl. I could hear her on the phone and now a voice of a man who was speaking broken English.  He was shouting over and over “Right Room! Wrong Hotel!”  This prompted the texting to everyone in the band our hotel and room number from that point forward.  This ensured if you were too drunk you could just show the cab driver your phone and get back safely.  Safety first!

The band was back together, now in Scottsdale, and we were equally as put together as our last time together in Vegas.  My sister Amy came up with a rule that the only shots we should ever do are tetanus or flu (we’re lightweights).    It was a good rule when I’d actually abide by it.  Crowded around the bar like ants on chewed up candy on the sidewalk words like ‘Scooby Snack,’ ‘Washington Apple,’ and ‘Lemon Drop’ were met with cheers and arms in the air.

Have you ever been sober and watched a scene like this from the outside?  It’s like a sociological study of stupid.   A guy came rushing up asking if I was ok.  I was waiting for a ridiculous line but I started to notice true concern on his face.  Clearly he was not as drunk as the rest of us and saw I had no idea of what he was talking about.

He said, “Are you ok, that girl just hit you, laughed and walked off.”  It took me a beat and then with a snap of clarity I responded, “Oh no that’s one of my best friends, we always hit each other accidentally (at least I think accidentally) when we try to high five.  And she just ran off to the bathroom for a second.”  You know your skills are bad when someone can’t tell if you’ve just been assaulted or not.

Women high five incorrectly apparently, or maybe just my group of women?  No I’ve seen this in the wild with other groups too. And as much as I love Tina and Amy that is one hella weak high five.  That’s like the Beverly Hills air kiss of high fives.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are , in theaters Christmas 2015. Trailer Below.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler High Five and A Miss

I didn’t have brothers, I didn’t know there was a right way (or beginners module) to high fiving and what he told me next was met the same awe as if he told me he just cured cancer.

Don’t look at the hands you look towards the opposing person’s elbow and you can’t miss . Yep, it’s just that simple.  Dana came back from the bathroom and I showed her the trick and for the next twenty minutes all six of us were obnoxious high fiving machines.


High Five Final


Yeah, I guess it’s just not women who could use a little help.  

We Weren't All Born to Give High Fives

*And for the middle picture I Googled “Drunk Girls” 1. I was happy not to see any old pictures of The Girl Band there 2. Don’t ever Gooogle “Drunk Girls.” Do these girls not have friends?  Mean. Mean. Drunk Friends.

AND Tina Fey & Amy Poehler learned nothing from the Golden Globes because they still can’t high five judging from the Sisters Trailer. C’mon ladies you’re better than this!

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