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Breaking Bad…Behavior

Breaking Bad…Behavior

Clarity

If making the right decisions were easy, people would make them all the time.  And the lies we tell ourselves, during tough decision making processes, are far worse than any, that anyone else could ever tell us.  We all are masters at justification and it’s not until we are willing to look at situations with 100% honesty can we create necessary change in our lives.  That honesty includes removing any substances, crutches, or security blankets used to mask reality.

Like many of us, I have ambitious goals.  The one thing I realized was I kept getting in my own way during the process of reaching those goals.  I would make justifications either out of guilt or under the guise of long standing friendship; but, I was making allowances when there should be none.

Those who knew me when I was the broken person I once was, accepted me, but not out of love, respect, or friendship, as I wanted to and misguidedly believed, but rather my flaws allowed them to feel superior.  They didn’t want to address their own insecurities, or examine their own unhappiness and felt comfort in exploiting mine for their benefit. That was not the foundation of friendship, it was the foundation of a replicating cycle of enabling, which never allowed for any evolution or growth.

I realized that if I kept doing the same things without change or growth, I was always going to get what I previously had, which was unhappy and unfulfilled.  I have worked hard, with the help of a professional and the love and support of many, to make positive permanent changes.  It has been a painful and long process but worth every tear shed. Each tear, brought clarity. I have learned, and need to keep reminding myself, that I cannot want for someone what they do not want for themselves.  I wanted change in myself and others did not.  Not for me or for themselves.

Any action I’ve taken, no matter how difficult, I have done with deliberate conscious intent and not for effect.  A sign of growth and better decision making is what once took me years to figure out, now only takes weeks or months.   Not wanting changes for themselves is fine but not wanting changes for me, is selfish.  Admittedly, I’ve not always liked myself but I’m starting to.  I received criticism and judgment with a phrase like, “I have been there for you through tough times.”  (Ahh, yeah that’s kinda in the definition of friendship.)  As a friend, if you ever utter those words to another person, you are not and have not ever been their friend.  They were your insecurity blanket, who you clung to, when you didn’t want to address your own addictions,  insecurities and or unhappiness.

uncrossing final

Friendships, as they stand now, can’t be used as a justification for lies and manipulation to avoid problems (and yes, men, lies of omission are still lies).  And ‘friends’ that want to see me as I was and not as I am, were never friends.   I have lost a lot over the last three years, but with each ‘loss’ comes greater clarity, truth, strength, freedom and happiness.  It is tough to stand alone in truth and easier stand with thousands in fear, but I’ve never taken the easy way, and I’m not about to start to now.

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