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UPDATED! Two Guys a Phone and a Billion Dollar Fine.

UPDATED! Two Guys a Phone and a Billion Dollar Fine.

 

UPDATED:  LinkedIn took this post down when I put Johnson & Johnson in the headline….weird someone on my LinkedIn must have a problem with the truth.  Don’t worry it’s back up again!
Gorsky-Holder 2

[This spoof is modified from a New Yorker magazine “Shouts & Mummers” piece by John Kennedy. In that piece, Jamie Dimon, JP Morgan’s chief executive, is on the phone with Eric Holder.] And here is the orginial from Pharma Marketing, it just doesn’t seem that far off, does it?  This spoof on Pharma Marketing was done in reference to Johnson & Johnson’s billion dollar fine for Risperdal.  

Johnson and Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky (on phone): Is Eric there, please?

Receptionist: May I ask who’s calling?

Gorsky: Alex Gorsky.

Receptionist: Did you say, “Alex” as in “Alexandra”?

Gorsky: Yes, but just plain Alex.

Receptionist: Please hold.

(A beat as Gorsky is placed on hold. Music is heard—the Clash’s rendition of “I Fought the Law.” After a minute or so . . .)

Attorney General Eric Holder: This is Eric.

Gorsky: Eric, it’s Alex Gorsky.

Holder: Alex. Hey. That’s weird. My assistant said there was a girl named Alexandra on the phone.

Gorsky: No just Alex! There are a lot of guys who are named Alex, O.K.?

Holder: Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees, right?

Gorsky: Exactly.

Holder: Yeah. We may be investigating him too. Just sayin’

Gorsky: So listen. I think we should meet.

Holder: What, like, for dinner?

Gorsky: No. For a business meeting.

Holder: Oh.

Gorsky: Why? Would you ever want to have dinner?

Holder: It doesn’t have to be dinner. A walk would be nice. Maybe a coffee?

Gorsky: Both sound great. Let me tell you the reason I’m calling. A few of the guys over here—the board, for example—we’re a little concerned about some . . . money stuff. Like, that maybe you guys are still thinking of, uh, bringing charges against us.

Holder: Yeah, we’re definitely planning on doing that.

Gorsky: Huh. And this is something you feel strongly about?

Holder: Pretty strongly, yeah.

Gorsky: I see. And you have, like, evidence and stuff?

Holder: I can’t really talk about that, but yeah . . . like, boatloads.

Gorsky: Can I ask you a question? So you’re definitely suing us?

Holder: Can’t really talk about it.

Gorsky: How do you like being a lawyer?

Holder: I like it. But I can’t say I love it. You know?

Gorsky: Totally.

Holder: Law school was a fallback. I had no idea what I wanted to do.

Gorsky: Same. No sane person becomes a pharmaceutical company CEO.

Holder: Is there a lot of science in your job?

Gorsky: So much. And I’m terrible at science.

Holder: I know.

Gorsky: Funny. What do you call twenty-five attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Holder: Here it comes . . .

Gorsky: Not enough cement.

Holder: You guys paid all the taxes on foreign profits, right?

(Both laugh really hard.)

Gorsky: Sure did. So listen, do you ever . . .

Holder: What?

Gorsky: Do you ever . . . do you ever look out the window in the late afternoon and just get . . . sad? Like, for no reason?

Holder: Almost every day.

Gorsky: I’ll walk around the office some days and just see people crying at their desks for no outward reason.

Holder: Same here.

Gorsky: Total change of subject, but would you ever want to go camping?

Holder: That was weird, because you read my mind. I have a two-man tent and, like, fourteen canteens.

(Both laugh for a long time.)

Gorsky: Now, in terms of a fine . . .

Holder: Yeah.

Gorsky: I was talking with some of the guys here and we were thinking, like, a million maybe would be good.

Holder: Huh.

Gorsky: Were you thinking that would be a good number?

Holder: No-o-o.

Gorsky: Oh. What were you thinking, hypothetically?

Holder: Hypothetically? Not less than Two.

Gorsky: Two. And that . . . that would be as in million?

Holder: No, BILLION. As in two-point-two billion.

Gorsky: Of course. Because a two million . . . I mean, my Park Avenue apartment is worth more than that . . . Anyway. Wow. So two-point-two billion.

Holder: Yeah.

(A long beat.)

Gorsky: So you feel like we were . . . were very bad, the guys and me, at the pharma company here.

Holder: Pretty much, yeah.

Gorsky: Huh. That’s so weird, because we weren’t thinking that at all. We were thinking, you know, we made a lot of money and that was, like, good.

Holder: Interesting. I guess for me it’s how you made the money?

Gorsky: Not sure I understand. Why would that matter?

Holder: Well, over here it’s kind of the . . . what’s the word . . . the essence of the whole thing.

Gorsky: Like . . . rules and stuff.

Holder: Exactly.

Gorsky: Like that . . . what do you call it . . . Cosmic Law?

Holder: The federal Food Drug and Cosmetic Act.

Gorsky: Yeah, that one. That’s funny, because we didn’t really take that very seriously, especially with regard to “off-label” drug promotion. We actually have a copy of it up on a wall and people kind of point at it and laugh, because, I mean, it’s just funny.

Holder: I think that’s where we differ a bit.

Gorsky: Interesting. O.K., then. Well . . . I should probably talk with some of the guys.

Holder: Talk with the guys.

Gorsky: Camping soon?

Holder: Can’t wait. Talk soon, Alex.

DOJ-v-PhamaSettlementSystem-v3a final

Here’s the latest updated poster from The Department of Justice regarding the top fines from the pharma industry.  Whoo Hoo JNJ chanting “We’re Number One!” I’m sure.

 

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